Well i am waiting for Metaclaw to edit it but i have uploaded it already because my friends in school have been waiting for it to come out so here. Just to let you know this is an unedited version of the story so there will be mistakes. Well I hope you Enjoy.Even if you dont like the first chapter then please at least stay with us up to the third chapter just so you can see what its all about

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4121595/1/Nightmare_7

I had a quick read through and have some pointers.

1)

Starting off with a guy waking up to go to school, because his alarm clock goes off is EXTREMELY over used. I mean I see that sort of beginning constantly and it's really boring, if you rewrite it I'd purpose going for something more original.

2)

Here;

There's too much speech to take in all at once. Yes, they're having a conversation but it's not hard to have them doing things inbetween, such as;

"You're late Kinto." Muttered Mr Jones as he stepped forwards slightly, etching the spaces inbetween them closer together allowing Kinto to feel slightly claustaphobic. "You do have a pass, I purpose?"

"No, I haven't had chance to get one." Kinto attempted to excuse himself, feeling slightly flustered.


See what I did there? I added in text about the characters feelings towards the conversation and actions. This breaks up the speech a bit more and allows the event to be more indepth. Also, you used *he yelled calmly*. You can not yell calmly, thats bad grammar. Reread it through and make sure you don't make these mistakes.

3)

You kept adding " that at the end of any dialogue.

"One rule" Laughed Okafor"

You don't need to do that. You only need it after speech, like so;

"One rule" Laughed Okafor.

You just need a full stop.

4)

For me, you rush things. You don't give hardly any detail or movements. Like so;

After that there's speech. So, in three lines we've gone from someone being passed out and then waking up somewhere else. Dude, you could easily spread that in to a few paragraphs, including feelings, more detail about the black out and what the room looks like. Describe things in more depth and not rush things with speech.

5)

As I said before, and I'm bringing this up because it's a big problem. There's way too much speech and not enough actions/feelings.

Also, especially there. Far too much is going off and not being explained properly. As I said, adding detail and thoughts of the character may solve this.

6)

Spelling and grammar are both an issue, but you're having it edited so hopefully that will be better.


Don't be offended, I'm using this to help you. And usually I don't help people very often with these things, since I'm no expert. But hopefully, you'll take this on board and improve.

Dont worry i am not offended, thanks alot i really appericate your help i was wondering can you edit my storie

Um, well, at the moment I have stacks of homework.

BUT, if you send me a message like wednesday as a remainder I can see what I can do.

=]

Thanks Trigger i will do

Chapter 2: My Own Destiny
Phase 1
Damon and Kinto were walking to the gym when Kinto decided to stop walking.
"What’s wrong kid" Said Damon, as he turned back to look at Kinto.
"This is taking way to long" Said Kinto angry as he stood still waiting for Damon’s response.
Damon then grabbed Kinto's arm and Damons naturally black eyes turned yellow.
"I copied this from a friend" Laughed Damon as he began to run.
He was running so fast Kinto could barely hold never the less think about how Damon was going this fast. Kinto closed his eyes because too much wind was going through it. When he opened his eyes he was at the gym.
"How did we get here so fast" Said Kinto
"Its a move I copied called, well its not named yet but you can go really fast with it" Laughed Damon
Then they walked into the gym and began to learn the move.
"So how do I learn it old timer" Said Kinto
"Well first I want you to take chi from your body and put it in your hand in a perfect circle" Said Damon
"What’s Chi" Said Kinto, as he put his hand over his head
"Chi is the energy that comes from your body that allows you to do moves" Said Damon
"Oh, that’s what that blue stuff was" Laughed Kinto
"There are a lot of different types of chi but we'll discuss that later" Said Damon
Kinto the pulled out chi from his hands and tried to put it into a circle but it kept moving the other way so it would be in a circle but not a perfect circle.
"You must learn how to control the chi" Said Damon, as he began to leave the gym
"Where are you going" Said Kinto
"Going to get something to eat" Laughed Damon, just keep practicing
Meanwhile it the main office of the Relics Festival many important people were having a meeting about Kinto. Light, Ido, Okafor and Ike were all there.
"So Light do you think we should test him" Said Ido
"Yes, I think Kinto will be the next Ryuk" Said Light; he might be the one who can surpass myself and my brother Nightmare
"No, I don’t think he is it" Said Okafor; he seems to steady and noble
"What does that have to do with anything" Said Ike, if you need someone to test him then i will."
"Wait I think Okafor has a great point" Said Light
"Yes I agree, he is way too independent" Said Ido
"No, think about it, wasn’t Nightmare always independent" Said Ike
"Maybe we should just test him to the death" Said Light, its not like he has any purpose in the festival anyway if he isn’t Ryuk or an important person
"Okay fine, then who test him" Said Ido
"I think in this situation Ike should" Said Light
Yes, my chance to shine" Said Ido, as he smiled
"No this is only because you’re the weakest out of all of us so he would have a better chance of defeating you" Said Light as he smiled
Ike then gave a frown and turned around.
"Stop being a b**ch" Said Ido
"Your quiet today Okafor" Said Light
"I was just wondering I don’t know much about what a ryuk is but can you explain it more" Said Ike
"An Ryuk is an legendary fighter that learns moves faster and quicker than others like Nightmare and I" Laughed Light
"So how come I cant become a Ryuk" Said Ike
"You dumbass your born a Ryuk, it’s not something you make yourself become" Yelled Ido
"Okay this meeting is closed" Said Light, as everyone left"
Phase 2
After the meeting was over Kinto had almost mastered his chi into a complete circle and he was running out of chi trying to control it. A few minutes later it became natural to Kinto. He fully understood now how to control his chi.
"So now what Damon" Said Kinto, but then he realized Damon had left out to get something to eat so he just waited for someone to come back. As days passed and weeks passes Kinto didn’t leave the gym because if he left there was a possibility he wouldn’t have a teacher anymore. Then Damon came walking into the gym and stood next to Kinto.
"Where have you been" Said Kinto
"I was out copying some new moves; I heard Nightmare is making his attack soon" Said Damon"
"Who’s Nightmare" Said Kinto
"Lights Brother" Said Damon
"Who are they" Said Kinto
"Check in your Memory Card about Nightmare" Said Damon
When Kinto searched he got one thousands of results but one was really helpful, it told him a lot about him.
Name: Tim .Nightmare. Jones
Age/Rank/Gender: 30/A/Male
Past: Himself and his twin brother Jim .Light. Jones were best friends until Jim started becoming strong than Tim. Tim was jealous so he pushed himself so far that he began hurting and killing himself slowly. For more power he went to an evil sage named Jaken. When Jaken died 3 years later Jaken gave his powers to Tim. When Tim turned 19 he unleashed his evil by attacking and almost killing all his family besides Jim. He was then set on a bounty for 7000000 dollars but when people came to kill him they never returned. 5 years later he created his own city in the Relics Festival and that’s how he got his nick name Nightmare. Two years later his brother became a great fighter destroying all his enemies but he was still good. Since he fought for good he then got the Nickname Light. Ever since no one dared to enter Nightmares City except his loyal evil partners.
Appearance: Black Long hair, White Shirt, Dark Black Gloves in both hands, Dark Sword on back,
Moves: Midnight Illusion, Long Sword V5, Long Sword V 10, Dark Punch, Midnight Clones, Dark Body Revival, Chi Mark, Chi Revival, Chi Palm, Dark Seal
"That’s some information" Said Kinto
"Yeah, well I hope your alert when he attacks" Said Damon
"I don’t get this, is anyone prepared" Said Kinto, are you just going to sit back and watch the war begin without being prepared
"Well the Relics Festival government is already ready, we've been preparing for 3 months and barely anyone sleeps just waiting to fight" Said Damon
"Oh, okay well I guess we can get back to training Laughed Kinto, what’s the next step"
"Now all you have to do is replace that chi with thunder and you'll be all set" Said Damon"
Kinto then put thunder in replace for chi and it worked smoothly but the thunder was out of control.
"What’s going on" Yelled Kinto
"To tame thunder you must be very calm" Said Damon
Kinto then closed his eyes and began to think of his life back home. His boring school and his boring mom. He was calm now and he had mastered the move
"Yes I did it" Said Kinto
"Yes now go home and get some rest" Laughed Damon
Kinto ran home as fast as he could. He was happy about his recent success, mastering his move. When he got home he went to sleep immediately.
Phase 3
Kinto woke up that morning and waited for Damon outside his door for hours. He couldn’t wait any longer so he went out to look for him. He searched at the gym, clubs, and even the main office but he couldn’t find him anywhere. He just kept walking and he ended up in a forest, hungry and tired. He sat down on a giant rock and saw a butterfly fly pass his head. Then more came and more came. They were all different colors, one blue, one red, and other two different colors. Then out of the blue a man appeared in Kinto's face and scared the butterflies away. This man had long white spikey hair, wearing a white t-shirt with long brown pants plus he had blue eyes and armor underneath his clothes. He also had a sword which was very long and it had very hard spikes.
"Who are you" Said Kinto
"Ike Gray" he said from a distance and from his back came a hedgehog
Kinto's eyes lit up.
~There are no such things as Hedgehogs~ said Kinto in his head.
"I see that you’re starting at my Hedgehog Baku Shin" Laughed Ike
Kinto then pulled out his Memory card and got information on Baku Shin and Ike.
Name: Ike Gray
Age/Rank/Gender: 29/E/Male
Past: Ike gray was always a fighter ever since he was 7 years old but when he turned 17 he started really improving. When he was 18 he got a toy hedgehog but later when he goes to light and gives him a lot of money Light creates a move that brings him to life. Later he is named Dash who helped him improved his skills and when he turned 20 he was a martial arts champion all over the relics festival world. He is now known as invincible gray or Dash Ike Formation. The sword he uses is also famous. Its called the Dike Sword and its pushed him to many victories.
Appearance: Spikey White Hair, White T Shirt, Long Brown Pants, Blackish Blue eyes, Black Armor under shirt and pants, Sword on back (Sword Description: Sword is Spikey, Long and White.)
Moves: Air Launch Kick, ALK Combo (1000 HITS), Clones, Heated Suicide, Knife Marking, Warrior Stance, Kick Rotation, Pressure Style

Name: Baku Shin
Age/Rank/Gender: Age Doesn’t Matter for Hedgehogs/Not Ranked/Male
Past: Baku Shin was at first just a toy but because of a special move which brings him to life. He sits on Ike's shoulder and helps him in battles. Ever since he was created they created a special relationship.
Appearance: Small (The size of a stuffed animal), White, Very Spikey, Collar around neck
Moves: Transform, Ball Barrage, Legal Escape,

Kinto was surprised at what he seen.
"So what do you want from me" Said Kinto
Baku Shin then jumped off of Ike's back and Ike charged at Kinto with a punch. Kinto dodged it just in time and jumped up into the air.
"Nice" Said Ike, a challenge but too bad I have to kill you
Kinto’s eyes then lit up in fear. He had never been in a real fight in the Relics before and he didn’t want to die. Ike then ran up to Kinto and used a move called Air Launch Kick. He kicked Kinto into the air and Kinto couldn’t dodge because he was still in shock. Then Ike used a move called ALK Combo (Air Launch Kick Combo or 200 Hits as it’s called). Ike jumped into the air and his face became dull and his eyes turned red. Then fire came on his hands and began punching Kinto with tremendous burst of power and speed. He was punching so fast he already punched Kinto 500 times in less than 10 seconds. Once Ike had punched him over 1000 times he got tired and both Kinto and Ike fell down to the ground. Ike fell on the ground safe and UN harmed while Kinto landed on the ground covered in the strikes aura. Kinto struggled to get up but Ike got up easily. Kinto now knew what he was doing, he was ready to fight. He charged at Ike with a fist and so did Ike. There punches collided and they both fell back but Ike felt a jolt of Thunder in his hand. He couldn’t move it anymore because Kinto paralyzed his right arm. Kinto then got back up and unleashed a lot of thunder and wrapped it around his body as armor.
"I call this move Thunder Armor" Said Kinto as he smiled
Ike now knew what Kinto was capable of. He picked up that Kinto adapts to things quicker than other people.
Ike then created 50 clones to go attack Kinto while he began to think of a plan but every time the clones punched Kinto the thunder armor destroyed them and Kinto wasn’t hurt. There were 20 clones left and instead of getting close they threw knifes at him to try to break the armor but the Knifes could get within 3 feet of him. They kept stopping for some reason, like the barrier was so strong it reaches out farther than his body. Kinto was tired of waiting so he destroyed all the clones and headed straight for Ike. Ike was prepared for Kinto’s attack. Ike used a move called Warrior Stance. Ike took out a bottle of juice and drunk it. Then Ike put one foot behind the other and got ready to active his move. Kinto was punching Ike as hard as he could but Ike dodged everything because of the warrior stance. The Kinto made one final punch to finish Ike but instead Ike used a move called kick rotation. Ike began to spin around and it made a big barrier around himself so Kinto’s punch wouldn’t reach but once Kinto's thunder reached the barrier it caused a big explosion which caused Kinto to fall back and Ike still standing. Ike was breathing hard and he was running out of ideas. He took out his sword and decided he would fight with that. Out of the smoke Kinto came and punched Ike but Ike put his sword in the way and Kinto’s hand began to bleed from the spikes on the sword. Kinto backed up and then began to use the move Thunder Spiral. He ran up and aimed it for Ike but Ike put his sword into the way. The Thunder Spiral put a hole into the sword and would have done the same to Ike if he hadn’t moved out of the way. Above the fight on a tree was a camera. Light and the others were watching the fight, seeing if Kinto could be a Ryuk.
"Wow your strong" Said Ike
"No you’re just not a challenge" Said Kinto
"This is amazing, he’s changed his attitude from before, he was scared at first but now he’s prepared" Said Light watching from his office
"You can finish this Baku" Laughed Ike as he laid on the floor
Kinto was wondering how he was going to fight such a small little Hedgehog who was the size of a stuffed animal. Baku Shin then created a bunch of hand signs and his body began to glow. Baku Shin then grew the size of a regular Human. Baku Shin then wrapped Knifes around his body and used the move Ball Barrage. Baku Shin rolled into a ball and charged at Kinto at full speed. Kinto tried to dodge but Baku Shin was too fast and he lost a lot of Chi so his thunder armor was gone. When Kinto got hit by Baku Shin it left holes in his body. He was all out of chi and realized he couldn’t win so he set a diversion. He created a Thunder Spiral, blasted it into the ground and it create a lot of dust and smoke. In the confusion Kinto ran back home. When he got home he was going to call the police but then he realized there was no police here. He couldn’t call anyone. He realized this place was a cruel world and he now would try to stay as safe as he could for now on. He laid down on his bed and went to sleep.

Chapter 3: Introduction: Meet Balin
Kinto woke up in the morning and his wounds were healed. He was amazed but this but then paid it no attention. He got up put on his fighting clothes and ate breakfast. He was so tired he accidentally pored carrots in a bowl with milk and began eating it. He didn’t realize it wasn’t cereal until he had finish eating all of it. Now he was wide awake and it was the first day of spring. That means his allergies were coming back. He was about to walk outside when he sneezed and thunder came out of his nose. His nose was burning on fire. This is worst than my allergies on earth though Kinto in his head. Before he was going to walk outside he got a knock on his door. When he opened it he saw a regular short mail man. This is the first time he had ever received mail in the Relics.
“What’s this” Asked Kinto as he scratched his head
“Sorry to interrupt you but Light has told me and the crew to make sure everyone gets this mail so you must sign for it” Said the Mail Man Afraid of Kinto
“What’s wrong are you cold, what’s up with your shaking” Said Kinto; he was getting confused about all of this
“No, I am fine just sign this” Whispered the Mail man as he handed him a sheet.
It was a regular piece of paper signed in a lot of blood. Kinto bit his thumb and put blood on the paper. The Mail Man looked at the blood before he gave Kinto the mail. Once he looked over the blood he gave Kinto the letter and ran to the next door. What a Wreck Kinto Thought in his head. The letter was from Light and it said:

Dear Members of the Relics Home Inn
Nearby the forest we have spotted gang fighting between the Bura Suta and Rogu Gansuta. I advice you to stay in your homes tonight or you will be in danger. If you don’t know any gangs your in luck, I have listed them below.
Gangs:
Rogu Gansuta: This gang’s goal is to achieve greatest power and become to stronger. Also they want to make a name for themselves. They steal and have robbed others from every town and there very well known. Everyone in the group is very powerful almost as powerful as Nightmares Gang. There last attempt was to kill Nightmares Gang but the battle wasn’t even close. Nightmares Gang whipped them out and Nightmare didn’t even have to fight. Rogu wear white and blue cloaks with a white panda mask. There are only 16 members in this group. (In English Rogu Gansuta means Rogue Gangsters)

Bura Suta: Bura Suta is a very popular gang, the 2nd most known after Nightmares gang. There goal is to restore peace in the land. Even though they are nice and kind they are the world’s strongest fighters. Even Nightmares gang can’t beat them but Nightmare could beat them all at one time. They’ve saved many lives and protected others and for no cash but they are very sneaky. You’ll only see them if you need help or if there at war. Rogu Gansuta are currently holding a plan to attack them. Most of them live in Relics Festival Home Inn Town but are under cover. They wear all black cloaks and black mask with stars on them. They also have holes in the mask so they can put glasses in. The Glasses they have are called range glasses. They work like binoculars and lets you see far away. It also lets you see at a 360 view and 10 feet ahead. There are 12 members in this group. They all have special markings on there neck. (In English Bura Suta means Blue Star)

Nightmare 7: This most know gang in the entire world. They’ve only stayed into the village and never attacked anyone and still yet are popular. When ever they are attacked they win all of there battles. They have plans for attacking the Home Inn Town and kill Light. This gang wears all purple robes and in there village it’s always dark. They wear invisible armor under there clothes to keep them safe. There are only 7 members in this gang.
Sincerely
Light
Kinto walked out of his house anyway and headed to the forest. He hadn’t seen Damon for a while so he wanted to know if any of the gang members would teach him. He didn’t know they were bad. Kinto began his travel into the forest. While he was walking he saw over 47 knifes in the ground and then he sensed chi so he ran in that direction. When he did 20 knifes were thrown at him. Kinto quickly put used the move thunder armor. Thunder wrapped around his body like an armor and blocked off the knifes. Then he saw a man run from the trees. He must have been the one who threw the knife. Hearing footsteps behind him made him turn around and he saw a man. He had spikey black hair and was wearing a black cloak with a black mask including range glasses and open toed shoes. When the man went by Kinto, Kinto decided to grab him down and see if he would teach him. The whole time Kinto was talking to a clone. 9 Seconds later the clone exploded into poison gas. 50 gallons of Poison filled Kinto’s body and behind him the man appeared.
“Sorry about that I though you were an enemy” Laughed the man as he sucked the poison back out of Kinto’s body
“Oh yeah, what would make you think that” Yelled Kinto as he pushed himself up off the ground.
“Well you attacked me but anyway let me introduce myself, my name is Balin and I am in Bura Suta A.K.A Blue star” He said as he laughed
“So will you train me” Said Kinto determined to find someone to teach him
“Nope, my goal is to restore peace” Smiled Balin with a devious look
“Then what Hell are you doing in the forest” Yelled Kinto
“I was fighting a member of the Rogu” Said Balin, he was sent on a mission to secretly kill Light.
“How would you know” Said Kinto, he was getting frustrated.
“Us Bura Suta’s have secret cameras in the Rogu meeting room” Said Balin as a tear dropped from his eye
“How could you get so close to them without being killed?” Questioned Kinto
“My Father was sent to do that when I was 12 and he got the camera there safety but he never returned.
“Sorry about that” Said Kinto, can I help you catch that guy ahead
Balin then began to run. Come on Balin said in his head and Kinto heard it.
“Did he just talk to me through my head” Whispered Kinto as he began to run. Now Kinto and Balin were running side by side. Balin’s glasses picked up the guy that was running from him but suddenly he disappeared. Balin stopped running and Kinto did also.
“Sorry we lost him” Said Kinto
“Its alright” Laughed Balin as he scanned Kinto.
He got a list of Kinto’s profile.
“Matter of fact I’ve heard of you, you’re a legend for finding you power in an hour” Laughed Balin.
“Yeah, I guess I’ve been told that lately” Said Kinto
“Promise me that when your 20 your join the Bura Suta” Said Balin
“I was going to join anyway” Laughed Kinto, I love your jackets
Balin and Kinto both shook hands and went there different ways. Balin was secretly still going after the Rogu Member while Kinto headed back home to his house.