A boy was laying in a hospital bed. Four weeks ago he was put into a coma, and hasn't woken up still from it. He worked as a window cleaner of a 40-story-tall building, and he lost balance and fell off the building, and at that moment he was put to rest. His family and friends were in the room with him, hoping for the best. His sister, Shizuka, was praying for him, day and night each and every day since he had been put in the coma. “Momma, will he be alright?” Shizuka asked, as her mother responded, “If he isn't with us, sure, it hasn't been confirmed whether he is or not - but if he is no longer with us, we might as well leave. He's not been breathing and been put to rest for the past four weeks and and we don't even know if he will make it. My advice, Shizuka, is keep praying, no matter what.” Shizuka nodded, but was full of doubt, and said, “What if he really is gone and we weren't smart enough to figure it out by now, what if he died when he fell off the building? What if he's been gone this whole time?..He'll never come back! I used to believe there was a cure for everything, Mother! But for death...there is none. He's dead, mother... his eyes, closed. He's not breathing.. He's dead.. And he has been for all this time.” Suddenly, the boy started to breathe, and he said, “Shizuka . . . you haven't changed a bit. What did I tell you about speaking too soon about things, kid? . . .” and then his eyes opened. He started to get up. “Brother?..” Shizuka asked, weakly but happily, as tears had drained from her eyes. “I'm awake, Shizuka. It's okay. Thank you for being in my care. Now I will forever be in yours. You prayed for me every night, every day. I am forever in your debt, little sister. As well as you, mother and father. But you, Shizuka . . . you showed a care like no other. You suppported me throughout my dilemna and I will support you through anything you go through, and that, my little sister, is a promise, and I intend to keep it. You truly are serene and caring. Although, I wish you could control that anger of yours. Now, if you don't mind . . . I'd like you all to leave. And bring me my girlfriend, Hikaru. She's been worried sick about me this whole time, I know it. Now find her and bring her here.” All was quiet for a moment, his mother and father walked out, but Shizuka refused to. “Come on, Shizuka, he said to leave!”, her mother demanded. “Look. There is something I have to tell him about his 'girlfriend', okay? . . . It's vital he knows what's been going on. He needs to know.” Shizuka closed the door, leaving her parents outside and her within the room. She slowly walked and said, “Brother . . .” Her brother turned his head, “Yes?” He asked. “I have to tell you something, it's important . . .” “I have to tell you something as well, why are you still here? Didn't I tell you to leave? I just need a little privacy is all, Shizuka.” “But you must listen to me, Satoshi. It's about Hikaru.” She said. For a moment he was silent, and then he freaked out. “What?! What is it?! Did something bad happen to her?! What happened to her, Shizuka?! Tell me! TELL ME!” Shizuka smiled, as Satoshi's concern and care to Hikaru was the same as ever. “What are you smiling about?! What the hell happened to her, Shizuka?!” He asked again, and the grin on her face was now bigger. “Nothing happened to her, well nothing bad, anyway, but I can tell you this. It's not whats happened to her that's bad – it's what happened to YOU.” Confused by this, Satoshi asked Shizuka, “What? What's she up to?” “For someone who knows a whole lot about their supposed 'girlfriend', you sure don't seem to know one small tidbit. It began four weeks ago when you came into this same hospital room. Hikaru was here before us as soon as she received word, and upon getting here, the doctors told her they were not sure if you'd make it. She was crying for five hours, being here that long that day until we arrived. We've been here since she left and we haven't left your side like she did . . . and when I say left your side, I mean . . . forever.” Enraged and even more puzzled, Satoshi angrily demanded, “Explain!” “As you wish, elder brother. For you see , before she left, she was us, and she said 'I loved him so much, Shizuka . . . I can't tell you how I feel about him. The doctors said he wouldn't be coming back anytime soon . . . and I knew what that meant . . . that he was dead. So, I want you and I to be sworn to secrecy on this next thing I tell you – if he ever awakes, he will not here it from you – but from me', and that is all I can tell you, as I made a promise to Hikaru. But what she said startled me and will certainly shock you. You can't go on like this, Satoshi . . . please, don't make me tell you.”

It's probably a good story. But I couldn't read it all the way through because it felt a bit blocky.

Don't put the whole story in a single paragraph.

(I apologise if that sounded harsh)


EDIT:I think I'll try and fix it up for you.
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A boy lay in a hospital bed. Four weeks ago he was put into a coma, and still hadn't woken up from it. He worked as a window cleaner of a 40-story-tall building. One day he lost balance and fell off the building, and at that moment he was put to rest.

His family and friends were in the room with him, hoping for the best. His sister, Shizuka, was praying for him, day and night each and every day since he had been put in the coma.

“Momma, will he be alright?” Shizuka asked.
“If he isn't with us, sure, it hasn't been confirmed whether he is or not - but if he is no longer with us, we might as well leave. He's not been breathing and been put to rest for the past four weeks and and we don't even know if he will make it. My advice, Shizuka, is keep praying, no matter what.”

Shizuka nodded, but was full of doubt, and said, “What if he really is gone and we weren't smart enough to figure it out by now. What if he died when he fell off the building? What if he's been gone this whole time?.. He'll never come back! I used to believe there was a cure for everything, Mother! But for death... There is none. He's dead, mother... His eyes, closed. He's not breathing.. He's dead.. And he has been for all this time.”

Suddenly, the boy started to breathe, and he said, “Shizuka . . . You haven't changed a bit. What did I tell you about speaking too soon about things, kid? . . .” and then his eyes opened. He started to get up.
“Brother?..” Shizuka asked, weakly but happily, as tears had drained from her eyes.

“I'm awake, Shizuka. It's okay. Thank you for being in my care. Now I will forever be in yours. You prayed for me every night, every day. I am forever in your debt, little sister. As well as you, mother and father. But you, Shizuka . . . You showed a care like no other. You suppported me throughout my dilemna and I will support you through anything you go through, and that, my little sister, is a promise, and I intend to keep it. You truly are serene and caring. Although, I wish you could control that anger of yours. Now, if you don't mind . . . I'd like you all to leave. And bring me my girlfriend, Hikaru. She's been worried sick about me this whole time, I know it. Now find her and bring her here.”

All was quiet for a moment, his mother and father walked out, but Shizuka refused to.

“Come on, Shizuka, he said to leave!”, her mother demanded.
“Look. There is something I have to tell him about his 'girlfriend', okay? . . . It's vital he knows what's been going on. He needs to know.”

Shizuka closed the door, leaving her parents outside and her within the room. She slowly walked and said, “Brother . . .”

Her brother turned his head, “Yes?” He asked.

“I have to tell you something, it's important . . .”
“I have to tell you something as well, why are you still here? Didn't I tell you to leave? I just need a little privacy is all, Shizuka.”
“But you must listen to me, Satoshi. It's about Hikaru.” She said.

For a moment he was silent, and then he freaked out.
“What?! What is it?! Did something bad happen to her?! What happened to her, Shizuka?! Tell me! TELL ME!” Shizuka smiled, as Satoshi's concern and care to Hikaru was the same as ever.

“What are you smiling about?! What the hell happened to her, Shizuka?!” He asked again, and the grin on her face was now bigger.

“Nothing happened to her, well nothing bad, anyway, but I can tell you this. It's not whats happened to her that's bad – it's what happened to YOU.”

Confused by this, Satoshi asked Shizuka, “What? What's she up to?”
“For someone who knows a whole lot about their supposed 'girlfriend', you sure don't seem to know one small tidbit. It began four weeks ago when you came into this same hospital room. Hikaru was here before us as soon as she received word, and upon getting here, the doctors told her they were not sure if you'd make it. She was crying for five hours, being here that long that day until we arrived. We've been here since she left and we haven't left your side like she did . . . and when I say left your side, I mean . . . forever.”

Enraged and even more puzzled, Satoshi angrily demanded, “Explain!”

“As you wish, elder brother. For you see , before she left, she was us, and she said 'I loved him so much, Shizuka . . . I can't tell you how I feel about him. The doctors said he wouldn't be coming back anytime soon . . . and I knew what that meant . . . that he was dead. So, I want you and I to be sworn to secrecy on this next thing I tell you – if he ever awakes, he will not hear it from you – but from me', and that is all I can tell you, as I made a promise to Hikaru. But what she said startled me and will certainly shock you. You can't go on like this, Satoshi . . . please, don't make me tell you.”
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Quite an interesting story you've got here. I'm looking forward to the updates (if you're planning on more chapters, that is)

No, not harsh at all. In fact I knew somebody would come across that, and it's just because I wrote it like that I was in a rush so I didnt have time to edit it, but thanks for fixing that up ^_^ . And yes I do plan on more chapters..Just need the time and an idea of what to do next first.